Figure 8

I am real fucked off with New Zealand at the moment.

I am slowly starting to discover that the industry I want to be a part of is a whole bunch of ass. I kinda feel wimpy, pathetic and let down. If I am not out of this country to futher develop my career I am sure that I will kill myself - and dont go all fuck you on me for saying those two words, because I have every right to say them. I know what this world is in for...

I often think, maybe because I am not getting all that I want now will be made up for in the future and I guess that is why I keep living this life and dreaming my dream.

It all sounds rather cliche and sick, I cant even believe that even I have dragged myself down to such a low level to even write about this crap and use such uninventive words to construct my petty sentences. I am second guessing myself with my fucking career choice because I cant seem to get out of this horrible, consistant, loop!

It is like a fucking figure eight, with one side positive and the other negative. Right now I am at the intersection going from positive to negative. Ha, I think I just managed to describe my way of life inside my head. Yeah, all in a fucking simile - real genius...

Maybe I am just trying too hard to beat the system, to beat English by discovering something so much more beyond similes, metaphors, pardoxs etc. Or maybe I am just trying too hard in general.

So New Zealand, no I havent changed over the years. I may dress different, cut my hair different, act different but inside I am exactly the same. Here in this blog I share with you a lot of what I say to myself and if you dont see multiple personalities within these entries, then you wont understand at what I am getting at here.

I am Nicolette; trying to beat the system but stuck within a fucking figure eight.